If I Lay Here
by wontstoptilwesurrender
Summary: "I'm scared to lose everything that is you. I'm fraking out over the fact that we made love," Eli says.   He's afraid - to hurt her and to get hurt.


Happy New Year's :3

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><p>The view is great from up here. Eli can see the tiny freckles sprawled over Clare's bare shoulders. He can feel the heat radiating off her milky white skin and it does wonders to him. She snores lightly and he can feel a smirk playing at the corner of his lips. Her messy hair falls over the pillow, creating a map of curls colored dark red, brown and gold, everything mixing together.<p>

He can't stand looking at her any longer. She's too beautiful to look at, it hurts his eyes.

So when he closes those emerald orbs he can see every replaying in his eyelids. Every touch, every smile on her pretty angelic face. He can hear the noises escaping her pouty, pink lips. He can go back to that perfect, little heaven they created.

Outside, a party rages. It's New Year's; a celebration involving alcohol, music, fun. He doesn't need any of that when he's got Clare. He has his ecstacy, the soundtrack to his life. He has the woman of his dreams, and she doesn't have a clue. She's unaware of the way his eyes trace a contour of her body under the white sheets. Clare's in her own bliss, far away dreaming of her own happiness.

Eli isn't even sure why she showed up on his doorstep tonight. She was smiling, just smiling and holding a little cupcake that said 'New Year's!' in blue icing. Whether she bought it for Eli, he didn't know because as soon as he led her inside she practically attacked him. Their lips collided in a heated frenzy and Eli wondered countless times what was happening.

They had broken up. They had managed to maintain...a somewhat stable friendship when school began again in September. It was like they were strangers but whenver something was wrong with one of them, the other knew. If Clare had failed her Physics quiz, Eli asked her in English. If he was worried over his next oral exam in French, she'd sense it.

Not even married couples have that awareness of each other's problems.

One thing led to another. Clothes were discarded but not before they could go all the way without talking. Eli had stopped himself and asked her why on earth she was at his house kissing him unlike ever before. Her simply reply, along with a sly smile, had been, "Well, why not?"

_She seems changed, _Eli thinks, sighing deeply as Clare moves a little next to him. The rest of the night blurs in his mind and he's glad for that. He doesn't want to think too much, he just wants to forget the world and what tomorrow might bring. _Maybe she wasn't ready. Damn it, I should've asked._

They were in too deep. With a cry of pain and pleasure on the side, Clare was deflowered. An hour past midnight, he'd held her in his arms, watching her writhe underneath his body, their sweat mixing into a sweet oil.

The sounds she made still fill his ears, making his nose scrunch up. He doesn't want to think about it; not because it wasn't good. It was probably the best night of his life. But Eli has the feeling that what he and Clare did was a mistake. In her eyes. She is just fifteen, a young woman who can say something one minute and change her mind the next. She can feel amazing at the moment and regret every single word that spilled from her lips in the morning. It scares the hell out of him to even consider her hate. It has crossed his mind a million times, each one scarring him a little more, little deep cuts that burn his skin.

The last he ever wants is for her to hate him. For Clare Edwards to look at him with fury, detest his every fiber and want him for dead. That's what Eli fears whenever he thinks of his night.

"E-Eli?" Clare yawns suddenly, opening her icy blue eyes and meeting his green ones. She smiles sheepishly and runs her fingers over Eli's over-heated chest. "What time is it?"

Eli looks over her head. "Four a.m. Happy new year's, Clare."

She nods happily, "It sure is happy. More than happy, it's...thrilling. And even that doesn't say it all."

Eli nods grimly. "Listen, I'm...I'm going to run into the, um, shower real quick -"

"No, don't leave me," Clare says loudly, clutching his arm tighter. She blushes and looks down, "I don't want to be alone in your room. I want you to be here with me. Beside me. Holding me."

"Don't you hate me?" Eli blurts out, doubt lacing his raspy voice.

Clare's face scrunches up and she shakes her head. "Did you smoke something while I slept? Of course I don't hate you. Why would I?"

It was Eli's turn to blush now. He can't really put into words what he's was thinking. He fears for his relationship with Clare, or whatever you can call this. Fuck buddies. Sex acquaintances. It doesn't have a name. What he dpes know is that his feelings from before - they are still alive. They are flowering and transforming and emerging from the cacoon he's kept them in for so long. He loves her more know, if that is even possible. Eli loves Clare with a passion he never imagined possible, this burning desire to just hold her forever.

"I'm scared you hate me after what we did," Eli whispers. "I know it makes no sense and I know that I never make sense. But hear me out, Clare, when I tell you that I love you. And because I love you, I'm scared that everything I ever do will drive you away. Being...Being bipolar, it might have something to do with what I'm feeling. And yet, I think it has nothing to with this. I'm on my meds, so you shouldn't be scared right now to begin with.. I'm scared to lose everything that is you. I'm freaking out over the fact that we made love and that you didn't want to. I'm scared to hurt you again like with-with Morty. It's a scary feeling but I'll take it just as long as you're okay. Clare, I love you so much that I can't say it enough times to show how much. I love you to the point where it hurts to be in your presence. You're my everything, my light, my moon, my dearest friend. I know I can share anything with you and that's why I'm telling you this. And even if you hate me -"

"Eli Goldsworthy, if you ever say that I hate you, I will never sleep with you again," Clare interrupts, a serious look on her face but soon enough it dies away to reveal watery eyes. She doesn't know what she can say to you that won't make any damage. She pauses before going on, "If I came to you tonight, it's because I wanted to be with you. I realize that you're the only one I can ever be with like this. I...I almost made a huge mistake with Jake and it's embarrassing to even think about it," she laughs shyly and blushes, "but I'm glad I stopped. If I came here tonight and not tomorrow, or next week, or on my sixteenth birthday is because I want to start off the year with you. I want this to be...my promise to you, that for this year I'm all yours. I'm all your for the years to come."

Clare doesn't have to say another word. Eli has already pulled her into his arms and he's holding her like never before. It's this reassurance he needs so badly, something only she can offer. Her warmth crosses over the thin cloth and over to his own body. Their lips meet in a flash. When they are conjoined at the lips, they feel alive and free from the world. They don't need anyone's judgement to know if this is wrong or right. Eli is cautious with his hands and his lips as they trace down Clare's body but he isn't scared. He won't hurt her with his nimble fingers or his trembling lips.

"I-If I lay here," Clare moans breathlessly as Eli kisses his away up her stomach, "promise to never leave my side. Just lay with me."

"I always will," Eli sweared, "if it's the last thing I do."

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><p><strong>Hopeless eclare fan : who else is excited for Feb. 24!  
>Hope you enjoyed!<strong>


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